It seems that husbands can be assholes sometimes. I mean, yes, yes they can.
Does this Sound Familiar?
You’ve been watching the kids all day, your husband comes home, barely throws you a kiss, gives the kids a giant hug, and proceeds to head to the refrigerator. He grabs a beer and sits down on the couch with the remote.
You’re seething. And burning dinner, because you’re also breaking up a fight between your children while simultaneously trying to clear out the dryer to get to the kitchen towels and find the oven mitt.
Yet your husband needs a break. He just got off of a long day at work. He needs to unwind. While you do all the work.
When he does do the dishes after dinner, he winks at you and flicks you with a towel. How are you going to thank him? Heh heh. He wants praise. He wants sex. He wants you to affirm that he just helped you immensely.
And all you can think about is how much you want to strangle him.
Sound familiar? My life used to be like this too.
The “Change”
Every marriage goes through a shitload of upheaval after having kids. You’re both trying to grasp at straws, figuring out the new rules and the new roles. How do you get everything done now that a little person takes up 95% of your brain capacity?
So you both try really hard to do your best. At one point, you try harder than your husband. At one point, (perhaps unbeknownst to you), he tries harder than you. And you know what? At some point, it just evens out. At the end of a lifetime, you will both have tried just as hard, done just as much housework and experienced just as much guilt as the other.
Your husband isn’t the babysitter. Many relationships go through a period during which your husband wants to be praised for “helping.” And all you want him to do is be an equal partner. After all, it took both of you to make this baby. Both of you should experience the same amount of parenting, no?
And for whatever reason, during the season that is having a child under 5, you are going to experience a lot of resentment. A lot of unanswered telepathic requests. A lot of feelings of “look how much I do.” You’re probably going to feel like your husband is never on the same page as you. He just has different expectations. He thinks differently than you. You feel like he will never see things your way.
The Excuse
And that’s what you tell yourself. That’s what you tell your friends when you’re venting about yet another day of what feels like marital upheaval.
“He just doesn’t see my point of view.”
Do you want to know the truth? That’s an excuse that you tell yourself right now so that you can be pissed at him.
If you really believed that he didn’t care about your point of view, didn’t care how hard you worked, didn’t want to see eye to eye with you, didn’t want to meet your need of being in an equal partnership, then you wouldn’t be together.
Seriously. If your husband is really such an incorrigible asshole, then why are you with him?
That’s a tough question. Because there are many times when you ask yourself the same thing. But what is it that draws you back? What is it that keeps you committed? There’s much more to a relationship than who does more laundry. And if you keep telling yourself that your husband just doesn’t agree that you need some help with the housework or you need a break from the kids for more than an hour a week, you’re going to stay in your stuck place in your marriage. You’re going to keep feeling resentful, and you’re going to keep feeling as though you’re with a person who doesn’t “get” you.
And if you’re truly with a person who doesn’t “get” you, your marriage will eventually fizzle out.
So if you don’t want to get divorced, if you want your marriage to work, if you know deep down that this is the man you want to be with for the long haul, stop making excuses. Stop ending the conversation with “My husband just doesn’t agree with my point of view about what a mother and wife’s role should be.” Because that is an excuse, and it’s a conversation ender. And if it’s true, if it’s not just an excuse, it’s a marriage ender.
And maybe this isn’t the guy for you. Maybe you do feel stuck in a relationship that’s going nowhere. The get me a beer, bitch mentality is definitely grounds for divorce in my relationships. But my husband knows that. So when I feel like things are unequal or I’m getting the short end of the stick, I don’t relegate him into being the evil spouse on the couch demanding that I cook and clean for him.
The Fix for an Asshole Husband
Instead, I speak up. I let him know what my expectations are. I let him know what I’ll do for him and what I’d like him to do for me.
Please know that this conversation doesn’t fix things right away. For my husband and I, this conversation used to last for years. Sure, things would change a little bit at first, and then we’d slide back into our old ways. And instead of giving up and thinking that things would never change, I kept talking about what I wanted. I kept communicating with him about what he wanted.
Because I want to be in a relationship where both parties are equally respected and respectful of each other. I want to be with someone who really cares about my happiness. And I always knew that I was.
Trust me, if I ever had the inkling that my husband didn’t give a shit about my happiness or wellbeing–if I really, truly felt like that, my inner warrior woman would’ve sent him out the door.
You see, that is a deal breaker in any marriage. If your husband truly doesn’t agree that you should be happy, that the two of you should communicate so that you can respect each other’s greatest dreams and smallest desires, then he is not the man for you. I hate to say that, and I know that there will be some of you reading this right now whose warrior woman knows, deep down, that this is true for you.
But if you know that he is the one you’re going to stay with, then don’t relegate him to the ranks of the true asshole. Because although he may act like an asshole sometimes, why would you be married to him if he was a true, actual asshole?
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On point with this one. Marriage is an ongoing proces,particularly after having children.
Thanks for helping me realize that I’m not, in fact, married to an asshole. He tries hard but in very different ways than me. It’s important to stop and look at what those ways are.
Now off to tear my kids off one another…
Awwww! It’s so great to hear from you! And I’m glad that your husband cares and tries hard and is truly not an asshole 🙂
Wait until you have teens the shit really hits the fan. But my husband & I make sure to cover all the bases and talk a lot about how to handle our kiddos. Communication is the muy importante:)
Yes! Communication, right? Ugh… I thought the teenage years were supposed to be easier! Yikes.
Speaking up is something that is SO hard for me to do. But you’re right, it’s the only way things will improve. Thanks for the reminder!
Great post. I seem to have a rare breed with my husband – he isn’t an arsehole. xx
I’m not married yet but this us a great thing to think about. My parents had a little conversation that seemed to last for a few months throughout our childhood.
It’s hard too when you’re trying to blend the two different ways you were raised. My mom was very hardworking and nontraditional in many ways. His mom was stay at home and still allows her husband to manage their life. I am somewhere in between. I work from home, stay at home, do the housework, but manage the finances and want a lot of the decision making to be “fair” and not “fifties housewife” style. Coming from a truly patriarchal home….this has been hard for him to take. But, we both still want this, so we battle on.
My husband is not, but this is hilarious anyhoe
Hahaha, Thanks Erin!
Sadly your words Ring true for me. I realise my husband only cares about himself. ‘It’s not about you, it’s about me’ he says, when I share my side of the story.
And he’s always angry. I do all the housework, childcare, and pay for most things.
He was so charming at first, and I fell for him. Little did I know then that he was a wolf in sheeps clothing, and that my happiness was not important to him.
Ahhh, the old “it’s not always about you” line. I’ve heard it sooo many times. Funny thing is….it seems to NEVER actually be about us, does it??
My husband is a class A asshole. He is very helpful but can’t take zero feedback. He insecure, and overly sensitive. I can’t be direct at all and can’t ask for anything out of his comfort zone. I’ve learned how to handle him in order to have my needs met. It’s a real pain in the neck but it is what it is. I hate the fact that I can’t be direct. I can’t help but wonder if many men are like little boys.
Ahh! Exactly! They don’t grow up, they just get old and pissed off.
I’m afraid my husband is truly an asshole. He seems to care only of his happiness. He calls my sons and my dad names. He hasn’t gotten physical with me, but he threatens it all the time. And every time we argue, he says he is leaving me. I feel in love with this great guy, and after we were married, he turned into this asshole.
Same here
Wow. Try living with a bi-polar/schizoaffective spouse and then take a look at your spouses… I get NOTHING positive from my relationship anymore. If I hadn’t been with this person for 22 years, and known him for 30 & still have an 11 year old at home I would be long fucking gone. 22 years. And the last 10 have been torture.
But if I leave this asshole as u say I should, how do I protect my very little ones from his anger? Who ignores, belittles and criticises everything I do?
Becoming aware of your situation is the first step, and I applaud you for your awareness of the situation. It’s not always an easy road after that, but you’ll be grateful in the end.
Run.
Yeah run all you women who are not happy in marriages.
I am in year 43 and it is taking a toll on my health and happiness.
To all you younger women, THEY DON’T CHANGE. If they treat you badly now
they will always treat you badly.
Haha. Well geez, consider yourself lucky he at least did the dishes! We have two elementary school age boys and we BOTH work outside the home. But when he gets home, he’s done. I do ALL the grocery shopping, ALL the cooking, ALL the cleaning, ALL the bill paying. I get the kids homework done, I make EVERYBODY’S lunch each day. Yes, even his, because he straight up says that if I don’t do it he won’t either and he’ll just buy everyday…can’t afford that! I run the kids everywhere they need to be, he only participates in the “fun stuff” that he actually enjoys doing for/with the kids. He doesn’t want any part in the day to day struggle of life. And oh, lawd….if ask him to do anything he stares at me like I’m an alien. Or straight up refuses. He screams and curses at me, calls me names, curse words. Tells me how his behavior is my fault, is obsessed with me working out (I could lose a few but I’m not “fat” by any means). He’s an all-around d*ck. So this article makes your husbands sound like angels lol.
My husband is the biggest asshole. He presented me with a prenup two days before wedding and told me to sign it or no wedding.iI wanted kids so I signed. it only got worse 32 years later. The mistrust, threats, inconsideration, etc.. I get back by putting gross things in his bed, spitting in his food, farting on his pillow,etc. it’s better than a bullet
You know, this made me realize that my marriage is a sentence for crimes I wasn’t convicted of, time to get away
My husband is an unwiped asshole just like his Dad.
My husband is a true asshole. I suffer from major depression and he says things like :you don’t see me crying over that!: Then he claims that he is a supportive person. My daughter has asperger s syndrome and he treats her like shit. Why do I stay? Because I am on social security disability income and can not afford to live on my own. I am stuck with this asshole
Mama, I totally get it. It’s hard to imagine getting out when you feel financially stuck. There are so many resources out there to help, though. I know it can be scary to reach out and find them. And I know sometimes they’re not ideal. But maybe they’re better than living with an asshole.
I tell my partner of 10 years (not married) that he’s an asshole at times and he does acknowledge that and he also admits that he can be one. Sometimes, I always ask myself why am I with this guy anyway. It’s crazy. Not that he doesn’t have good qualities. He does. He’s just raised to be a sheltered momma’s boy who thinks that a husband should be served ALL THE TIME. He does try, but when he does good things, he really wants to be praised immensely. When I’m annoyed as shit, he enjoys it; he actually takes enjoyment when I’m scrambling as a mom and then he’d annoy me purposely and laugh at me to see my fuming reaction. What is up with that?
Wendy;
I feel your pain. His constant need to be praised and the passive emotional abuse are making me grey in the hair. We all stay for our own reasons. Mine is a child with a health issue. Otherwise, I would move out while he is at his beloved job…the true ego booster. I am the mistress and work is his wife. I just want to be happy and have someone be nice to me. Is that too much to ask?
My best to all of the “sisters in suffering.” k
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But is living with a shitty husband better or worse than living with no husband at all?
I hate my husband and his parents !
I’m sorry! :* Maybe it’s time to change the fact that they’re in your life.
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