Articles
I’m Not Perfect
I just want to make something clear. Even though this site is called Make Your Perfect, you know that doesn’t mean you have to be perfect, right? I don’t want all you perfectionists to be freaking out and thinking I’m talking about getting your life to the point where you’re “doing it all.” When I talk about Supermom, I’m not talking about that mom that does everything. I’m talking about the mom who feels amazing and confident and fulfilled by all she does. Make sense? And here’s the thing: I’m not perfect either. Even though I’m a life coach for moms, I work on myself every day. I’m not striving for perfection, either. I set different intentions every week; I have a vision that I work toward, but that changes. I use a coach myself to help clarify my dreams, organize my tasks, reach my goals, and stay accountable. And even though I talk a lot about how to get out of a rut or how to reconnect with yourself when you’re feeling lost, I don’t always do these things religiously either. Like I said, I’m not perfect. What Happens When You Fall off the Wagon? Recently, I fell off the wagon with my waking up before the kids. I talked about this before, how waking up early is such an amazing way to start each morning happy and sane. I had been in a super dedicated groove and waking up an hour before the kids for a while. That quiet time sitting in the dark, watching the sun rise, was private and seemed like my little secret with myself. There were no screams, no one asking me to wipe their butt. I could read an entire sentence in one sitting. It was amazing. And then the days got longer, it was brighter outside at 5:30am, and it didn’t feel so quiet and special anymore. And my kids were waking up earlier because it was lighter out too. So they were interrupting me every 10 minutes anyway. And then one weekend hit where I slept late (which means I slept until 6:45 or so), and I lost the drive. That week, I snuggled under my covers until my kids jumped on me. I watched the sun come up from the comfort of my bed. I also stressed out. I couldn’t sleep anyway, so I laid in bed worrying about the day and running through my to-do list in my mind (totally unproductive). I was irritable every time I did doze off and a small child wandered in, crying because his brother hit him. I woke up irritable. I yelled at my kids in the morning. I felt rushed. UGH! It took a few weeks before I really got it through my thick skull that this was not the best way to start my morning. And then, this morning, boom. I dragged myself out of bed after lying there for 40 minutes, worrying about my day. I had 20 more minutes to be alone before the kids came out of their room. I jumped out of bed, poured myself an iced coffee, and sat down with a book. And then, just like that, my day turned around. Dread turned into excitement. Anxiety turned into motivation. And any irritability I felt...
read moreWhy You’re Stuck in a Rut
I hear it from moms all the time: You’re feeling “blah.” You’re mentally drained. You’ve lost your spark. And life keeps going, and you keep dragging, making the walls close in on you even more and that rut becomes the grand canyon. Here’s What’s Making it Worse So what do you usually do? Get on Facebook and vent, of course. While it’s wonderful to have support from other women who understand where you’re at, venting on social media isn’t always constructive and can often drive you deeper into your rut. Facebook often makes everyone else look like they live the life of Mary Poppins. And when your sink is full of dishes, your couch cushions are stuffed with cracker crumbs and there is a trail of tiny clothing and socks covering the floor, seeing someone else’s productivity can be less than inspiring. When people aren’t faking perfection on Facebook, they’re often doing the exact opposite: gushing like a country singer about how shit’s got them down. That doesn’t help either. How to Get Out of That Rut So what do you do? Your husband says you’re just complaining too much and you should recognize the blessings in your life. Your mom friends are great listeners but aren’t that helpful because they’re either pulling you right down with them or they’re the ones with the seemingly perfectly vacuumed houses. And the truth is, you don’t even really know what you would rather be doing, so you lay on your couch in your pajamas and convince the kids to watch the Paw Patrol marathon on TV. And by the end of the day, you feel even worse. You’re not going to get out of your rut if things don’t change, though, ladies. That’s the honest truth. Same old shit=same old shit. And we all kind of know what it would take for us to personally emerge from these stretches of mild depression and apathy, but sometimes it just seems too big, too complicated, or too hard. So start small. It’s all about baby steps. Here are 5 quick fixes: 1. Do something you love every day. This can be as simple as taking a shower, making yourself French toast with a ton of butter, or rolling down the windows and belting out your favorite song as you commute to work. There was a time that my rut was so deep I couldn’t even remember what I did love to do. But then I challenged myself to do something I loved for 30 days, and this is what happened. So this is what you can do today, especially if you’re not in a rut and you’re feeling inspired. Write a list of things you love to do. Keep it somewhere you can refer to it, like on your fridge or in your nightstand. Nothing is too big or too small for this. Just get it down so you remember what gets you going next time you really need it. 2. Move your body. I’m not talking training for a marathon here. I’m just saying if you sit on your couch all day, you are going to feel it. Your muscles are going to get tight, and your joints might get achy. That’s only going to make you feel worse. At the very...
read moreMy Struggle with Body Image
For months, I’ve been meaning to write some articles about body image. This is one of the things I still struggle with, even though I feel like I’ve found balance in most other areas of my life. And because I am a life coach for moms, I feel like I need to have everything under control, so I’ve hesitated to put this out there. But now I’m putting it out there. Forgive me if it is too jumbled or too long or too confusing. It’s time for me to get it out there, though. I have always felt like I would be happier if I was skinnier. It didn’t matter whether I was 98 pounds and anorexic or 197 pounds at 40 weeks pregnant (the highest weight I ever reached, and it was exactly 197 with both pregnancies—crazy, right?) Skinny Will Make Me Happy No matter how I look, no matter how much I weigh, I always want to be smaller. I’ve gone through phases where I’ve been able to run for long distances or where I can do 30 pushups, and I used to dance… all of that has made me feel more confident, but when it came down to it, at the end of the day, I have always felt that if I could just be thinner, I would totally be happier. You’re So Vain… You Probably Think This Blog is About You In elementary school, I was really shy. And not much of a looker, either. I definitely had an extreme awkward stage. I was that quiet, weird-ish-looking girl who was kind of nerdy. I didn’t have much of a personality. And I wasn’t the cutest either. I had a few close friends, but I was painfully insecure. So of course when my hair grew out, I lost the braces and I got contact lenses, I felt beautiful. And people commented on my looks a lot. I remember trying out for cheerleading and someone in the front row was pointing to me and saying, “Look how cute and little she is!!” Something must have sunk in that being little was something to strive for. Thank goodness I was also smart, and I was talented creatively, so I was praised for those things too, or I would have been totally and completely vain. But still, I was shy and ridiculously hesitant socially, so looking good was easy. I didn’t have to worry about the fact that I wasn’t that funny or outgoing, because at least I was damn cute. I moved to a new school in a new country in high school, and it helped to be nice-looking. Again, I felt like I didn’t have to try so hard to have an amazing personality; I still made friends. It was easy. The pressure was off. In my mind, I didn’t have to have the best personality if I was beautiful to make up for it. The thing was, I never felt like I looked as beautiful as I could. There were always girls who were prettier and skinnier. One of my friends after college had been “discovered” on the street and started modeling. Why was no one “discovering” me? The thing was, because I had relied on my looks for so long, I didn’t put myself out...
read moreThe Illusion of Free Time
I was sitting at Tmuffin when I finished my tasks for the day. There were no emails to answer, there were no messages to get back to. Of course there were plenty of other less essential things on my to-do list, but I felt done for the day. Meanwhile, my 4 year old and his friend were playing happily. Oh em gee. I had some FREE TIME. What even is that? On a typical day, if I have free time, I can finally attend to my child, who often spends his days pulling on my legs, begging me to play with him. I can go wipe his butt when he poops. I can make myself something to eat. I can take time for myself. But this day, I had eaten lunch. My kid had already pooped. And—I repeat—he was playing happily. What to do? Instead of feeling relief that I was on top of my shit and got the important things done for the day, I felt irritable and antsy. I couldn’t exactly ditch the place and head to the beach. I wasn’t completely free. I still had two kids to watch and a couple of businesses to run. I still had the list running through my head of the things I should be doing with ample time so as not to be stuck in the procrastinator’s rush later. Then it hit me: Free time? It’s just an illusion. By that, I don’t mean that there’s no such thing as free time, but it is completely available—or unavailable—depending on how you perceive it. Check this out: In elementary school, during summer vacations, I would schedule out my day and pretend I was at camp. I would even do math workbooks in my free time. In college, I had so much free time, yet I was constantly stressed about papers I had to write in one night or tests I waited until 6 hours before to begin studying for. In my 20s, I was always painting. I often had 2 paintings going on at once, so I felt like there was always something to do. (Granted, I had a regular old 9-5 job, no additional job stress, and no kids). In the years my husband and I had together before we had kids, I often complained that I didn’t have time to do grocery shopping or run errands. I worked full time, and then I wanted to enjoy myself on the weekends, so I felt cramped for time. Fast forward to now. My life consists of two kids, two businesses (I work at least 60 hours a week), a pretty decent exercise habit, and a focus on my creative outlets. You know what? I don’t feel like I have any more or any less free time than I used to. I mean, I complain about it all the time. How I don’t have any. But I’ve always done that. I realize that I’ve always created an illusion of “needing to be productive.” It doesn’t mean I’m more productive than the average Jane, though. It just means I have trouble letting go and really enjoying my free time. Holy shit. I’ve been complaining this whole time about a problem I don’t have! In the past few years, I’ve actually found some...
read more4 Ways Women are Creating Body Image Problems for Themselves
I might be living under a rock, but I just learned last weekend that the “dadbod” has become, officially, a thing. When my friend told me about it, my first thought was, oh, you mean the way every normal dude in America looks? I shrugged. Not really surprised, but a little annoyed nonetheless. You know—the old double standard thing. Here’s the thing, though: we, the womenfolk species, are doing this to ourselves. I recently read an article on The Frisky that defined the dadbod as “the physical manifestation of men waking up, looking in the mirror and saying, “Eh, I guess I’ll skip the gym this week and eat a Papa John’s pizza for lunch and dinner and I’ll still swipe left on any girl on Tinder that looks like she doesn’t do at least five Barre Method classes a week.” And it is here that we are making an assumption that men prefer women who look like Victoria’s Secret models. I know for a fact that when my husband and I are watching the girls of The Bachelor frolic around in their teeny weeny wet bikinis, while I am sizing up their thigh gap and lack of muffin top, my husband is simply checking out their racks. And maybe their wet, glistening skin—between their boobs. He wouldn’t care if their bathing suit elastic squeezed out a muffin top. And I also know, for a fact, that the girls with bad personalities turn him off. It’s not all about their abs. While I do think it sucks that men get to live in a world where people are comparatively oblivious to their bodies and women have to stand in line in front of beauty magazines that tout how to get your best bikini body summer after summer after summer, it’s not really a double standard. Because it’s not the men who care what women look like—it’s the women. We’re the ones who have brought preposterous beauty standards to this level. I’m pretty sure that men, as evidenced by the dadbod, don’t really care that much. About their ladies’ appearance or their own. Case in point—below are some examples of beauty treatments we think we are doing for our men, but are we really? Shaving Removing unwanted body hair has been a cultural practice for both men and women for thousands of years. It’s tough to pinpoint whose fault it is. Leg shaving in the U.S. can be traced back to a popular pinup picture of Betty Grable with long, hairless legs that women wanted to emulate or the advent of pantyhose, which made having long, smooshed-up leg hair that half-poked out of the fabric plain uncomfortable. I’m pretty sure men weren’t looking at women and thinking, dude, I don’t want to run my fingers over that fur. It’s our own fucking fault. I do applaud the women of the ‘70s. They actually aimed to reprogram our brains so we wouldn’t even want to shave our legs. But it didn’t take long before we went back to getting our entire bodies singed repeatedly with lasers in order to make ourselves look like sleek human dolphins. Spanx I am fairly certain that no man ever said, “When I get down and dirty, all I want is to get some fine motor skills practice...
read moreThe Secret Trick for a Perfect Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day just came and went, and I hope you all had a wonderful one. I hope you got everything you wanted. A day to yourself; gratitude and appreciation all day long; cards, flowers, and chocolates; being treated like a queen. What? No? That didn’t happen to you? I must be thinking of someone else. Seriously… from the way my Facebook feed looked, you would have thought Sunday, May 10, 2024 was the day of the biggest Powerball jackpot of the century. Except nobody won. There were stories of nothing but a kiss on the forehead, nary a “Happy Mother’s Day” to be heard. Stories of fathers ditching the family to play golf, siccing the kids on mom. Stories of moms doing laundry all day, washing the dishes that dad dirtied after he made breakfast—for himself. Stories of dad sleeping late after mom got up early with the kids. I mean, moms were up in arms. And not in the arms of their husbands. They were too pissed off for that by the end of the day. Are you ready to take back Mother’s Day? So here’s the thing. Here’s what you can do if your Mother’s Day has been less than perfect. Hell, if you’ve been dealing with subpar Mother’s Days for years, this is just right for you. Ready? Here goes. Ask for what you want. I mean, directly, specifically, explicitly tell your husband exactly what he needs to do to make you happy on Mother’s Day. And don’t tell him this Mother’s Day, in the wake of your traumatic Sunday, and expect him to remember for next year. Next year, you need to tell him. The night before. Maybe two nights before, to give him time to plan exactly what you said you wanted. But not too far before, because he will forget. I know—but if he really loved you, if he really knew you (I mean, you’ve been together how long and you have how many kids together?) you wouldn’t have to ask. It is demeaning to you and to your relationship to think that you have to give him a post-it note to tell him how you need to be loved. However, men can be retarded. I don’t even mean that in the offensive way. I mean that emotionally, they can be, as the dictionary defines it, “characterized by a slowness or limitation in intellectual understanding and awareness, emotional development, etc.” Of course you notice all the nuances in your relationship that hint as to his true character. Of course you know what his favorite breakfast is, and you can guess exactly what he would want on a day that’s supposed to celebrate him. Women are inherently more in tune with this stuff. That’s the way our brains work. Let me key you in to something: Your dude’s mind doesn’t work that way. Can I tell you something? I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad or have you compare your day to mine. Please don’t be a hater. But my Mother’s Day was perfect. And I didn’t even get a card. In the past, I have gotten flowers. I have gotten random gifts. I have gotten thoughtful gifts. I have gotten expensive dinners. I have gotten absolutely nothing. I’ve been a...
read moreThe Most Life-Changing Mother’s Day Gift
You never really wanted flowers or cards as a mother’s day gift. Even indulging in a meal away from the responsibility you have to clean up after yourself is fine, but not what you really needed. What you really wanted, what you were sure you would be, was the best mother ever. You were going to be even better than your mother. You watched your friends have kids, and you secretly told yourself everything they were doing wrong and everything you would do more right. It wasn’t going to be hard to be patient, understanding, calm, and peaceful, because the moment those kids were a tiny inkling of a thought in your mind, they were your everything, and the love you had for them would make everything perfect. And now, you’re wishing that you even wanted to hang out with your kids this Mother’s Day. You feel guilty for wanting a day to yourself, and you don’t know how to actually tell your husband that if he could just take the kids somewhere for the day, let you sleep, wake up on your own, take a long, hot shower, and actually indulge in those things that you absolutely love to do but haven’t done interrupted in a long time—like read a juicy novel, laze around in the sun, watch some girly TV, listen to music, paint your nails, chat with a friend over a glass of wine—you would be over the moon. You feel guilty because you actually haven’t turned out to be the mother you wanted to be. Hell, you’re not even the mother you expected to be. Sure, you lose your patience and yell at the kids. Every day. You have spanked them. They have eaten more French fries than you care to admit. But sometimes you hate them. You have dreams about what would have happened if you reversed time. You would never give them up—not permanently—but you realistically and comprehensively envision nannies who can care for them during the long hard days, boarding schools for toddlers, and even kidnappers (who would return them after 24 hours, realizing just exactly what they have gotten themselves into). And then you feel guilty for imagining what life would have been like if you weren’t even a mother. So then the world springs Happy Mother’s Day on you and you’re like oops—sorry—I was just daydreaming about what life was like when I could stay in bed until noon after staying up all night having heart-to-hearts with my closest friends, and then I could drag myself to my favorite restaurant and grab myself a bacon egg and cheese sandwich. You put on your biggest fake smile, hug your kids, and feel all guilty about not only your lack of good mothering, but the fantasyland that their Mother’s Day wishes just pulled you out of. You’re a mother every day of the year, and you sit here feeling like if you could have any wish you wanted on a day that was called Mother’s Day, you would want to not be a mom. Just for one day. And then you feel guilty about that. But you’re not doing anyone any favors if you’re full of resentment and guilt. So here’s what you can do this Mother’s Day. Let it go. (Cue...
read moreHow to Wake Up Happy
In the past few weeks, my entire world has changed. Instead of feeling confusion and dread first thing in the morning as I hear those tiny but potent voices crudely lifting me from blissful dreamland, instead of waking to pain and anger by feet stomping on any limb that dares to stretch out farther than the central mound my body makes under the blanket, instead of feeling a rush of stress hormones as I instantly remember that I have no control over this choice to wake up before the sun, I have chosen differently. I have been choosing to wake up before the kids. I am a new person. Making a Choice The simple act of choosing to wake up happy is perhaps the most influential factor here. When I wake up, roll around in bed for a little while, drift in and out of dreamland, thinking how nice it would be to roll over and go back into this dream, it would be nice. And it is nice. Until someone else decides it’s time to rouse me out of la-la land abruptly. And then, all of a sudden, it’s not so nice. In fact, nothing is nice at that point. Ever since my kids were born, sleeping in (and by “sleeping in” I mean sleeping past 6 am) has not been a possibility. My options are no longer sleep in lazily vs. get up unhappily and walk around like a zombie until reality sets in. My options have become be woken up by two hellions prying my eyeballs open vs. experience peace by myself before dawn. I have chosen the second option. And now I wake up happy. Quiet Time It was hard at first. My rational mind is not functioning when I’m half asleep, as my husband will attest to. I often speak in tongues, open my eyes but look through you, and give you a piece of my mind if you try to talk to me before I’m fully awake. So when I wake up at 5:30, a full hour before the kids, it’s hard for my brain to rationalize actually getting out of bed. But once I’m up, I’m a happy camper. At first, I felt like I had to do something with this pre-dawn era. Like check my emails, make the kids’ lunches, work out. I felt like it wasn’t worth it for me to wake up before the kids if I didn’t have a full hour to actually get something productive completed. That made it harder to convince myself to drag my body out of my warm bed. After waking up early for about a week, I had a moment of weakness and slid back into my old ways. It only took one morning of feeling the stress, the harriedness, the instant anger, to realize the extent of what I had done. I had completely changed my mindset by waking up before the kids. I experienced such a drastic difference in my mood when my kids woke me up compared to when I woke up (and got up) on my own, that it wasn’t even worth it to get an extra 30 minutes of shuteye, I realized. It set the stage for my entire day, and it meant the difference between having a...
read moreBusy Moms: How Busy Are You?
We are all so damn busy lately. When I talk to my mom on the phone, the first thing she always says to me when I ask her how she is is, “Great! I’m so busy, and I love it!” I’m the first to say it—I’m one of those busy moms too. In fact, I feel more motivated, more energetic, and more productive the more I have to do. I tend to lose momentum when I’m not busy. And if I’m not doing something I love, I end up feeling lazy and bored if I’m not busy. But what if, next time someone asked you what you were up to, instead of telling them all the things you were doing, you told them about all the things you weren’t doing? Because what’s more meaningful: All of the crap you have going on, or what you’ve been thinking about and feeling? It would look something like this: “Hey! How are you doing?” “Great. I have been feeling so happy lately. I’ve been doing something I love every day and completely reconnecting with myself. I’ve been waking up before the kids and writing in my journal. Reflecting on my day before the rest of the world gets up has made the biggest difference in my life. Yesterday, I stood outside barefoot at 6AM and watched this amazing sunset.” Ok, so that’s something you actually did. But I bet this kind of interaction might lead to, “So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about {fill in the blank here. With anything.}” Wouldn’t you rather have a chat with a friend about what the two of you are thinking rather than the mundane what you’re doing? Especially when what you’re doing is the same, day in and day out? She probably doesn’t want to hear about your work. Again. Or your kid. Again. And I’m guilty of actually losing touch with good friends because of this. Because if I’m not doing something new, if my life hasn’t really changed on a practical level in a while, I don’t call old friends. I don’t write them. Because I feel like I have nothing to say to them. But in fact, they probably don’t want to hear about how busy I am. They are my friends, so they are probably much more interested in me, in what’s making me happy, sad, or angry, in what I’m thinking about. Try this. Next time someone asks you what you’ve been up to lately, instead of sighing and spouting off how busy you are, stop and take a minute. Tell your friend how you’ve been feeling, what you’ve been thinking about, what has excited you lately or made you feel emotional. Chances are, you’ll feel more connected—not only with your friend, but reconnect with yourself. Know some busy moms? Share this article with them by clicking the buttons...
read moreDo Something You Love Every Day
Last week, I started a challenge to do one thing I love every day. The goal is that if you establish this habit in 30 days, it will be engrained-you’ll love life a little bit more, feel a little less chained to your desk, whatever. I figured I could use a little more fun in my life. The few weeks before I started the challenge were kind of, well, challenging for me. In fact, I had planned to start the challenge a few weeks prior, but truthfully, I couldn’t think of something I loved to do for 30 days. It didn’t even have to be different every day. But I couldn’t think of one thing. I was stuck in an overwhelmingly busy period in my life and I seriously couldn’t even figure out what I wanted to do, much less do it. I’m now 7 days into the challenge, and-no surprise here-I’ve had a fabulous week. I have put aside things that weren’t a priority or weren’t going to make me feel good in exchange for things that would. Here’s what I did this week that I love to do: Day 1: Played the fiddle Day 2: Woke up before the kids and worked out (and read a little and enjoyed a cup of coffee by myself) Day 3: Woke up before the kids and read (and worked out later that day anyway, and played the fiddle) Day 4: Doodled (and played the fiddle, and woke before the kids, and worked out) Day 5: Hung out with friends (and doodled) Day 6: Doodled a note to someone who needed it (and played the fiddle, and hung out with friends) Here’s what did surprise me: adding in more things I loved during the day didn’t mean I was less productive. I still achieved everything I needed to logistically (like doing the dishes) and at work. There were days where I took an extra few hours of time to do the things I loved. And I still got all the shit done that I needed to on top of that. I didn’t just do one thing a day that I loved. I pretty much ended up doing 3 or 4 things. And this was coming from a month before where I couldn’t even think of 3 or 4 things I loved to do. Period. You know what this tells me about you? That you have more time in your day than you think. I promise you do. There is a shift in priorities that happens when you do what you love, and you do retain the things you truly need to do. And you realize a lot of crap that you ultimately don’t need to do. When you spend time doing what you love, it starts a chain reaction. You feel better, so you look for more things to do that keep you feeling this way. You find ways to work more efficiently so that you can fit more of what you love into your day. You make better decisions, you don’t end up spending time doing things that don’t make you feel good, and you lose guilt… your day simply runs more smoothly AND you’re happier. Who can argue with that? Want to join me? Just post one pic a...
read more
